It's Not What It Sounds Like
by miakatsuki
Summary: Germany comes home early one night, ready to relax. Only to be met with questionable noises coming from his room.


Another tiring work day. Ending in a sore throat from yelling at Feliciano all morning and back aching from afternoon hours hunched over a desk. What else could Ludwig expect? He was just glad to be home. A glance at the clock read 6 pm. Not very late, perhaps he could spare a shower before dinner. It would be nice to feel relax and cleanse himself to help forget about the day's troubles.

Yet something seemed amiss somehow. The lights were already on when he came home yet Gilbert was nowhere in sight, and he was definitely home if the three pairs of shoes at the door meant anything. He wasn't alone either. So, why was everything still clean? And, quiet? Not good. Those three were never quiet, if they were even who he thought they were...

But what if...

Ludwig's brow lowered in thought. Who else could it be? As if any robbers would take the time to remove their shoes or be careful enough to avoid making a mess. Still, best to be on the safe side. So he placed a hand on his gun and silenced his movements as he set down his briefcase and searched the house for whoever was there.

Throughout the entire downstairs portion of the house Ludwig didn't find a single soul other than the dogs, which seemed incredibly calm before they came to greet him. So he could be confident there were no strangers in the house. There aren't many places to search upstairs so it should be easier to find them now. When he made it up the stairs he could swear he heard noises coming from the room at the end of the hall...

His room...

That can't be good.

Eyes narrowing, Ludwig slowly made his way to his room so as not to alert its inhabitants of his presence. The closer he came, the clearer the sounds were. He could distinguish voices now, as well as who they belonged to and what they were saying. Yup, just as he thought.

"Hurry up Francis, I'm dying over here!"

"Alright, alright. Toni, be a dear and find me some tape to silence him with."

"Very funny. Just get on with it. Toni! The bottle!"

Bottle? Bottle of what?

"Here you go Gil."

"You know what to do Francis, start spreading. Make sure coat it nicely so it doesn't burn as much."

Wait, what?

"Oui, I have done this before you know."

"Oh, we know. We were there."

"Kesesesese, damn right we were. I got a sweet view of Mattie's ass."

"And Alfred's."

"Yeah, but his isn't as nice."

"True. But my little Lovi's will always be the cutest."

"Pedophile. You and Francis both."

"If I remember Gilbert, you had a tendency to steal glances at little Ludwig's derriere as well. Did you not?"

"Hey, he is my little brother after all. Of course he'd have the nicest of all. Other than me that is."

At this, the German could just feel his cheeks turning red. But then a hiss and a contented sigh grabbed his attention.

"Ooohoho. Yes. Just like that Francis. But harder."

H-harder?

"As you wish."

"Aaaaah. That's the stuff. Dig deeper. Make me bleed!"

"But it'll start to sting again then."

"I don't care, it feels awesome."

"Ohoho my. And here I always imagined you as more of a sadist than a masochist."

"Shut up. And make room for Toni."

"Me?"

"That's right, get to work lazy ass. The more pain, the better."

A sigh.

"Fine."

After hearing his brother's moans increase Ludwig decided he just about had enough. His face was red and he was beginning to develop a little problem. This had to end. So he did the sensible thing...

Kick the door open and yell at them.

"What the hell are you doing?! And in my room of all places?!"

Complete stillness.

Francis peeked over his shoulder to the door while Antonio just had to lift his head to look at him. Meaning the legs sticking out from under the Frenchman belonged to Gilbert. Who was lying on his stomach. He shifted his arms under him so he could sit up and look at his mortified brother.

"Ludwig! You're home earlier than usual."

He wore a nervous smile that just said trouble.

"Look, I can explain."

"That you're drunk? Because otherwise, I don't see how you could think having a threesome in my room was a good idea."

The trio's mouths dropped in surprise. Right before Gilbert burst out laughing.

"West, is that what you thought we were doing?"

Then Francis piped in.

"Well to be fair Gilbert, your words and the sounds you made would lead anyone to believe that."

The albino put his finger to his chin in thought as he shifted to sit comfortably.

"True, but I'm wondering just how much he heard."

In an instant he broke into a knowing smile.

"Tell me West, just how long were you listening before you decided to barge in?"

Ludwig blushed a bright red and looked away.

"That's not important. What I'd like to know is what exactly you're doing in here, if that isn't the case."

Gilbert gave a little laugh and scratched his head.

"Well, I'll spare you the details, but it has to do with a dare and some poison ivy. Also I couldn't find ointment a anywhere so I decided to use the lube you've been hiding from me instead."

Germany's face went redder and he sighed. Maybe he could still get in a quick shower before dinner. So much for relaxing.

"I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow for you and bring you back something for the itch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go shower."

Just as he turned to walk away he heard his brother jump off the bed and chase after him.

"I'll come with you."

"Nein. I'd like to take it alone."

"Aww c'mon. We'd both get a nice view. You'd just get a better one. Kesesese."

You could just hear the smirk in his voice. Ludwig chose to ignore him and just keep walking. It worked, and Gilbert stopped following him, but he just had to make a final comment.

"Make sure to take a cold one. It'll help with that little nuisance you've been ignoring."

At that point Ludwig had already slammed the bathroom door shut, face beet red. Damn Gilbert.

* * *

**So, I'm not completely satisfied with how this turned out but it's my first Hetalia fic so won't let it bother me too much. anyway, hope you enjoyed!**


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